The Role of Alcohol in the LS Community
When I was working on my memoir, I couldn’t help but notice a common thread weaving throughout my story: there was always plenty of drinking involved! Whether we were at a house party, a sex club, a hotel room, or even in a restaurant at a meet-and-greet date, alcohol was the social lubricant to get the party started.
Nobody questioned it. It was never “do you want a drink?” It was “what will you have to drink?” (with the word “drink” automatically assumed to be alcohol).
I mean, I guess there just aren’t a lot of good sex stories that start with a cup of tea?
It makes sense. Alcohol does loosen you up and when you’re sitting down with two strangers with the intent on seeing each other naked…you need to be as chill as you possibly can.
But there’s a dark side to booze.
What started, for me, as a way to relax, soon escalated to a coping mechanism, one that I relied on over and over. I started reaching for a glass of wine more often, and I always had a “reason” for it.
TGIF…
The kids are in bed…
I survived a stressful work week…
I deserve it…
I didn’t notice, at first, that my intake count was increasing, but it was. Both outside the LS world and in it.
My drinking was probably at its worst when my mother was dying of cancer and my relationship with Kaleb was hanging in the balance in the aftermath of the affair with Annie. My life was spiraling out of control, and I didn’t know how to cope.
Not only did I reach for a glass of alcohol more often, I found my glass count increasing, too. There were even a few times where I drank so much that sections of the evening are missing from my memory.
It took a few black-out experiences for me to wake up (gently) and ask myself what the heck was going on.
Was I drinking so much to fit in with the Lifestyle?
Even though I’d long ago shed any shame about being a part of the Lifestyle, was alcohol to credit?
Did I need “liquid courage” to participate in the Lifestyle? (And, if so, what did that suggest?)
I sat with these questions for a while, until, eventually, I had to confess that I could answer “yes” to all of them.
I had a lot of insecurities when Kaleb and I first started our LS journey. While I said I wanted to explore other partners, part of me had a lot of unknown feelings about watching Kaleb be with other women. I hadn’t yet accepted being bisexual. There was a lot I didn’t know, and I relied on alcohol to loosen me up and get out of my head. I thought I needed to drink to be a sexier (better) version of myself.
I was so wrong.
Now that I’m older and we’ve been in the Lifestyle for almost twenty years, I have much more confidence in myself than I’ve ever felt. I feel more comfortable in my own skin and find that I openly communicate to Kaleb and to others with less hesitation, expressing what I want and what I don’t want.
Part of this awareness is also seeing how my drinking altered my behaviour and how I felt about myself the day after. In the past, I felt that I could not exude confidence walking into an unknown LS situation without drinking. Now I know that I don’t need to drink to feel present and enjoy our hedonistic moments.
Have I stopped drinking completely? No. I enjoy the social aspect of drinking; however, I don’t need to go overboard to numb my anxiety and feelings. I’ve made a conscious decision to cut back on my drinking in the last couple of years, limiting myself to a few drinks or none at all. I want to be able to be fun and spontaneous but also remember every detail of our escapades.
Reducing my alcohol intake has allowed me to be:
more cognizant and aware of my sexual behaviour and actions
more present and engaged with my sex partner(s)
able to make right choices when it comes to safe-sex practices
able to be a responsible designated driver so Kaleb doesn’t always have to be
A little fun is fine, of course! I’m not saying you can’t drink at all. Everything in moderation, after all! But, if you find yourself relying on it in order to participate in the LS, you might want to take a break. After all, being in the LS is, first and foremost, about you (and your partner) elevating your sex life to connect with each other. If you always need alcohol, that suggests you aren’t quite comfortable with one element of what you are doing.
