Boundaries and Communication
One may assume that being a swinger is a free-for-all when it comes to sexual activity, but one would be mistaken.
Boundaries, compromise, and communication are essential parts of any good relationship and I would argue even more so if you are in the Lifestyle. For swinging to work, we always have to default to any feelings of discomfort one person may have.
Default to discomfort - if one partner isn't okay with an idea, then it shouldn’t happen.
So how does it work if one partner is not on the same page about pursuing certain Lifestyle activities? What if one partner is interested in a threesome or open relationship and the other is not?
Default to discomfort.
Kaleb and I have 14 rules that we implement in our engagement with the Lifestyle and Rule #14 is also known as The Golden Rule: if one partner disagrees with a decision or behaviour, then it is a no-go.
This is not to say that those activities will never happen. People change their minds, they get comfortable exploring or even curious about different activities. This is where communication is key, talking with your partner about desires and fantasies co-exists with setting boundaries and establishing comfort levels.
In comes Rule #2: no secrets between us and always communicate openly and honestly.
Communicating with your partner doesn’t mean that they will necessarily be comfortable or interested in certain activities. While I would love to have a threesome, Kaleb has made it clear that he has no interest in that type of activity. I have accepted that fulfilling this fantasy is far less important than Kaleb's comfort–and thus I am comfortable in this acceptance.
We’re in this together. If one partner feels a rule is unfair or they have been forced to concede, then resentment will build up over time and the rule may get broken.
On the opposite end of resentment is complacency. Rule #8: don’t take one for the team. While there are many examples of taking one for the team in healthy relationships, this simply does not work in our Lifestyle activities. Kaleb and I are in the Lifestyle for many reasons and one is that we engage in swinging for the variety and enjoyment of having sex with someone else and if one partner isn’t content with the arrangement or not attracted to their partner, the level of enjoyment isn’t equal and defeats the purpose. Both parties should be satisfied and have their sexual needs met.
I have mentioned 3 out of my 14 rules in this blog post, you can find the rest of these rules as well as some common Lifestyle terminology in the appendix of my book, The Swinger in the Mirror.
Do you feel you and your partner are on the same page when it comes to certain expectations or boundaries in your relationship? I’ll be talking about this very important issue on an upcoming episode of the Meredith for Real podcast, called “What are the rules of monogamy?” Our discussion revolves around how to effectively communicate our boundaries, rules and expectations to have a healthy partnership, whether you’re in a monogamous or non-monogamous relationship.
What does your partner need to do/say to make you feel secure and safe in the relationship? In what specific way does your partner need to demonstrate that he/she is committed to you?
I would love to hear your thoughts on this topic! Feel free to check out my book and reach out, I would love to hear from you!