How to Break Up With a LS Couple
“It’s Not You [Folks], It’s [Us]”
Shortly after disclosing our true desire to live out our fantasy lifestyle, my husband and I found ourselves in a friends-with-benefit situation with our neighbours. Looking back, maybe it was too soon into our new journey to settle down and be in a monogamous foursome but that’s what happened. At first, everything was new and exciting–we were like kids in a candy store, indulging in all the fun and pleasurable (and hedonistic) side of dating new sex partners. Eventually, this exclusive arrangement started to lose its lustre but we didn’t know how to navigate this situation–say something or just pray things would sort themselves out over time. Needless to say, we didn’t have a lot of experience at this stage, and our inexperience showed. While we had some implicit rules in mind, we often found ourselves placating more and more to their needs and not voicing what we felt was important to us as a couple. By not enforcing our rules, we ended up doing a lot of things we weren’t super comfortable with. It caused a lot of tension, and things came to a head when we felt like we were being controlled. If you’ve read my memoir and you remember Annie/Tom, you know all about what happened! (If you haven’t read it and I’ve piqued your interest, you can order a copy)
After a year and a half of trying, we knew the writing was on the wall and we had to get off this emotional roller coaster ride but how? Our friendship was hanging in the balance. There was no handbook for us to follow for this sort of thing* so we were winging it, basically. And, really, we were transferring what was familiar to us from the “vanilla” dating scene onto the LS dating scene, without much thought.
*And this is why I am currently writing one! Stay tuned!
Turns out, our experience isn’t uncommon within the LS community. Just like in partnerships outside of LS, breakups happen all the time. The only difference with the LS community is that you’re likely facing breaking up with two people, not one. Double the pleasure, double the fun, right?
There are many reasons why you and your partner might want to end your LS relationship (just like there are many reasons why people break up with each other in vanilla couplings!). Perhaps you are new to the LS world, like we were, and you want to see what else is out there. Perhaps one of you isn’t feeling it as much as the other. Perhaps the other couple is coming on too strong. Perhaps an attraction is growing that threatens the relationship you have with your partner.
Whatever the reason, breaking up with a couple has to be one of the most undesirable things on my LS experience list. Nobody wants to do it, we all know it’s going to be awkward…but it must be done. Add to the usual “ugh” feelings around breakups: the LS community is a small one…six degrees of separation, honestly. Chances are, you’ll see this couple again around the club scene and/or at a house party.
So, how do you go about breaking up with a couple? Let’s review your options.
Ghost them. Everyone’s favourite strategy, as it involves very little work! I’ll admit that Kaleb and I have been guilty of ghosting a couple from time to time when we didn’t connect. While it’s easy enough to do, I don’t recommend this strategy. You miss out on getting closure, and you are for sure going to run into one or the other in the real world (karma, perhaps?) and that’s going to be one super awkward run-in (plus, see my above point on LS circles being small). Choosing to ghost someone can absolutely come back to haunt you!
Move. I mean, it’s drastic, but it could be effective…depending on how far you go!
Send in a third party to do the work for you. How very junior high of me, right? For the record, I’ve never done this…although it certainly is tempting! They get the message and you’re off the hook—what could be better? As tempting as this strategy is, rest assured, it won’t be long before that same small LS circle gets wind of how you chose to deal with this particular scenario and it’ll be crickets on the LS dating scene for you.
Perform an interpretive dance for them. Or rig all the charades clues to be some form of “breaking up.” They should get the hint, right? While this might be entertaining for you, these are real people’s feelings you’re playing with, so it’s probably best not to turn it into a game.
Sabotage the relationship so they break up with you. Not a terrible idea…if you don’t care about that LS rumour mill! This passive-aggressive maneuver only leads to hurt and upset feelings (and kibosh any chances of having a post-dating friendship).
Be honest. And here we are, the least sexy (or easy) of the suggestions but the one that is always the best approach. How you choose to be honest can vary—a phone call, a text (depending on how long you’ve known this couple and your communication method of choice; texting isn’t always bad!), or face-to-face. Be gentle, but firm, and try to keep it short.
To add on to the whole honesty is the best policy approach, depending on the group dynamic, you could opt to have one person from each pair engage in this conversation. This might work well if one person is known for being a bit more laid back or calm than the other. But there is the risk that the other partner—the one left out of the conversation—might feel abandoned and hurt, like their feelings don’t matter as much. The better approach, in my opinion, would be to have all parties involved in this candid conversation, so no opinion, thought or feeling is left unsaid.
Break-ups are never fun. Nobody likes to be dumped and very few people in the world enjoy the act of dumping, but doing so in a way that respects all parties will speak to your integrity. It’s never easy, I don’t think it actually ever gets easier, but it’s all part of the game when you’re dealing with relationships. Few people enter the LS world to engage in permanent partnerships, so the entire thing is based around temporary pairing—even monogamous ones. The only permanent partnership, really, is the one you have with your spouse/partner.
So, good luck out there. Go forth and try not to break too many hearts along the way!
