More Than Sex
I’m not naive. I know that sex sells and we are curious beings.
You really can’t talk about swinging without talking about sex and while it is a recurring topic in the book, my story is so much more than hookups with other couples.
When you peel back the layers, you will see a recurring theme of identity: both as an individual and in the context of a relationship. Through this Lifestyle, I discovered parts of me that were repressed and dormant, that I didn’t even know existed. I began to appreciate and embrace my sexual feelings and my sexuality. My LS journey, especially the relationships I engaged with along the way helped this process of revealing the real Kim, even if it wasn’t initially evident to me.
You see, it was the trials that unearthed now treasured parts of my identity.
The act of writing this book was one that left me open and vulnerable in a way that is difficult to describe, sharing intimate details of my life but also a lifestyle that so often lives in the shadows. We all have insecurities in our relationships, especially long-term relationships like marriage. Your needs, wants, and desires evolve in your 20’s, 30’s, 40’s and beyond. Even without the additional complexities of bringing other couples into the mix, marriage is hard work! And it doesn’t exactly get any easier with time. It is my experience that things can easily break down when you press cruise control. I’ve learned that both parties have to put in the hard work and consistent effort to keep their relationship alive. When you begin to see a disconnect in your relationship, don’t be afraid to have those important conversations, sooner than later. It’s much better to have to make only minor adjustments in your relationship rather than dealing with a complete overhaul when things go downhill fast.
When things got complicated, when the affair blew everything wide open, Kaleb and I had to recognize that our relationship was at an impasse. We were forced to truly consider what our needs were in our lives and at that moment in time. We had to ask ourselves not only how we could get past this but if we even wanted to. I believe that it is these challenges, these “bad days” that define not just the individual but the relationship itself. These types of decisions present themselves in relationships outside of the Lifestyle too and force you to reflect on yourself as well as challenge your assumptions about your relationship, past, present, and future. Individuals are complex and that complexity grows exponentially with every additional person you introduce into your life.
Some people may wonder why bother even engaging in this type of lifestyle, knowing that your partner will be intimate with another person and complications may follow. Well, for Kaleb and I, it was one element to keep each other engaged and passionate. We accept and understand the risks of being in the Lifestyle. However, we also see the benefits of participating; it has helped to bring more healthy, vibrant, active love into our relationship. This certainly is not the case for everyone, but it worked for us at the time and in the end.
While sneaking a peek into the sex life of a complete stranger (me), you will find yourself tangled in an intricate web of relationships and self-discovery. It is my hope that, in reading The Swinger in the Mirror, you will be able to look at yourself in the mirror and will see yourself for who you are...Probably not as a swinger but as a complex person with complex relationships and needs that are valid and worth exploring.