How It All Began
How does one even become a swinger?
Well, for me, it started just over 15 years ago. My husband (let’s call him Kaleb) and I accidentally fell into the Lifestyle through a series of events that was initiated with a friendly neighbourly relationship.
Annie and Tom were likeable…they were an attractive, outgoing, and fun-spirited couple. They were your typical suburban family with small children, who moved into our neighbourhood three years after us. It didn’t take long for us all to become good friends. They loved to entertain but Annie was the social planner of the two. They became the social hub of the neighbourhood with their endless dinner parties and holiday get-togethers. Honestly, they were a lot of fun to be around.
We were vanilla friends with them for about half a year until one night, we had all had one too many drinks and we were feeling uninhibited. You can use your imagination to fill in the blanks. It was a night I will never forget, it was impulsive and fun and felt so right! The following day, once the alcohol had loosened its grip, it was time for a realistic reflection on the previous evening. After some discussion with Kaleb, we decided to approach Annie and Tom for a conversation. We came to find that they felt the same. From here, we established our monogamous foursome, which flourished for two years.
Everything was great at first, and then my world fell apart. I found out that Kaleb and Annie had an affair outside of our foursome–I was devastated. This was a dark time in my life. I didn’t know if or how I was going to move forward with my life. Situations like this (well, minus the foursome) are when people reach out to friends and family for support but I couldn’t. Not only was this part of our lives secret, but there was still so much stigma from people outside the community that sympathy or understanding was unlikely. I felt completely alone.
To avoid being consumed by my thoughts that had nowhere to go, I began to write…
Endless thoughts bombarded my mind as the room grew darker, colder, and lonelier. I snuggled deep under the covers … protecting myself with a layer of blankets. My life had exploded before me, and I felt utterly lost. I’d never felt pain like this before—betrayed by my husband and my best friend. How could this have happened to me? How could the man who (supposedly) loves me betray me in such a hurtful way? Could we overcome this titanic obstacle together? Or was I fooling myself into believing there was still a chance between us? And if we miraculously did, would I be able to trust him again? Or was the damage irreparable? Although I didn’t know the answers to these questions, I knew that this moment had forever changed me and my relationship with Kaleb. Through my anger and hurt, there was also a deep sadness. I wanted to feel Kaleb’s touch and comfort, as if it were yesterday when everything was fine. Today, I cursed him and wanted nothing to do with him. I wished today had never come. I kept hearing Kaleb’s words in my head over and over again. I cheated on you while you were in Thailand … with Annie. I felt stupid not having known earlier, not having even the slightest hint. I started replaying every interaction we had with Annie in my mind, as if these were scenes from a movie, looking for clues. That time when Annie asked Kaleb to come quickly and meet her at the dealership so he could help her negotiate a deal. Those trips to Vegas so Annie could have Kaleb all to herself. Or all the times they went out on the porch to have a cigarette … was there more to that?
My detective work was interrupted when I heard voices coming from the family room; Kaleb was helping Lucas and Samantha with their homework. I felt guilty that I didn’t greet the kids when they came off the bus, but I knew I couldn’t. I felt depleted and had nothing left to give as a mom. I’d barricaded myself in this room to protect myself and to shield them from seeing their mother in this fragile state. I didn’t trust myself to be with Kaleb in front of the kids; I didn’t know which emotion would suddenly come out, and that wasn’t fair to Samantha and Lucas. They shouldn’t have to witness our adult debacle. Although I directed more of my anger towards Annie, I knew that Kaleb was not innocent in all of this. Annie didn’t put a gun to his head and force him to have sex with her. He chose to have sex with her and then he chose to keep his mouth shut. He had choices all along, but he messed up each time.
My thoughts, feelings, and everything spilled from me and onto the pages. Writing saved me from drowning, like pulling the plug in the pool I was swimming in, my words had somewhere to go. Writing allowed me to step back and reflect on what had just happened to my seemingly perfect life, and perfect marriage, and learn more about myself.
I just wanted to put journal entries down, I just needed to get it off my chest and then (for reasons I still don’t fully understand) there was a need within myself to sort of put more and more down as I continued to write. There was this positive feedback loop where the more I wrote, the more I found I had to say. As this went on, I was able to see the bigger picture more clearly. I recognized that we were tiptoeing around each other and making assumptions. Today, Kaleb and I are still together, we are at a better point in terms of communicating what we want from each other and in our relationship.
The raw emotions I felt so strongly at that time left my body to live on pages that were then organized into a book that I am now ready to share with the world.