Who is Kim?

Given the secretive nature and parties involved, you may call me Kim.

Full disclosure, Kim is not my real name. There is an unfortunate reality that, even though our lifestyle is consensual and legal, there is still a stigma that surrounds the Lifestyle. Using a pen name to tell my story helps me set a clear boundary between my own personal and professional life as well as respects the privacy of all parties involved. 

Professionally, I am a psychotherapist and I want my clients to be able to focus on their issues and not be distracted by the intricacies of my alternative lifestyle. Our sessions are not about me, it’s about them. Keeping my professional and personal worlds separate will ensure that I can continue serving my clients as I have done for many years. 

I grew up in an ultra-conservative Korean household where we didn’t talk about our feelings and emotions, let alone about sex. I knew right away that I was under different pressures than my mostly Caucasian friends with families who were more open and less strict. My home life was oppressive and restrictive. The love from my parents (especially my father) was not unconditional and depended on me fitting a very typical Korean mold. Finding the Lifestyle was the very opposite of what was expected of me and became an outlet. It let me be more expressive and free - everything my upbringing was not. The Lifestyle not only was helpful in my relationship with Kaleb, but it was also helpful for me in discovering my true identity. 

My kids are grown now but I feel a need to protect them from anything that may come their way as a result of my book and the lifestyle that their parents engage in. What kid wants to know about the intimate details of their parents’ sex lives? Cringe! It’s unfortunate that I can’t tell my children about this book and how excited I am to be a published author. I would love to show them what they can accomplish with hard work, patience and perseverance. Maybe one day I’ll share… In the meantime, this will have to be a quiet celebration with you, my readers.

All of that said, the use of a pen name has nothing to do with being ashamed of what my partner and I do. This is what we've chosen and it’s consensual. The Lifestyle is part of our relationship, of our marriage. I have this lifestyle and the people I have met within it to thank for giving me the space to explore my sexuality and I am proud of where I am today.

I am often asked what would happen if my real identity were exposed, if friends and family found out the truth. While I hope it never comes to that, I would start by encouraging them to read the book. It's not all just snippets about sex clubs and erotica–there's a depth to the book, an emotional side that humanizes my experience in a way that is relatable to people in any type of relationship. Sure, I would imagine there would be an initial shock but I would hope that those closest to us would at the very least trust us to make decisions about our lives and appreciate that it is ours to live.

I hope that, in reading my book, you will get a glimpse into my life but also reflect on your own.